I nearly called an ambulance for myself on Saturday

Today’s newsletter will be short and weird.

I haven’t left my couch for six days. SIX DAYS. Yesterday was the first day I was able to stand up long enough to wash my hair.

It all started last Wednesday afternoon when I had a very sudden onslaught of the dreaded gastro. D & V for a full hour, short and horrible. I felt slightly better and thought I’d be fighting fit by the weekend.

I was wrong. We were supposed to go away as a family on Friday morning but I was a human shaped puddle on the couch and couldn’t move. Cramping, bloated and writhing around like a dying snake. Ben slowly packed the car waiting for me to perk up and when I didn’t he trucked the girls off, leaving me to rot quietly by myself. An oddly well-timed blessing because it’s hard to explain to your kids why mummy is sleeping all the time and can you please not gut punch her every ten minutes.

Saturday was my fourth day spent on the couch by which point I had decided I was never going to get better and this was my life now. The gastro had implanted a toxic chronic illness inside me and I’d never be the same. I had a cramping episode so severe I was almost ready to call an ambulance but I didn’t because can you imagine being the sook that called an ambulance because you have gastro? But what if it wasn’t gastro and I had some kind of an exotic parasite that was genuinely killing me? The cramping episode stopped and I decided to nibble on some crackers instead.

Ben and the girls arrived back on Sunday and I was still a mess on the couch. Monday was a slightly better day and yesterday I was able to make the girls breakfast and eat like a normal person.

It was the weirdest bout of gastro I have ever had. The physical symptom part of the journey lasted an hour or two tops but the recovery was brutal and long. I did a RAT test and it came up negative so it seems like it was your garden variety tummy bug that destroyed me.

Ben and I both had glandular fever in December so I’m done with the hardcore diseases thanks. Unsubscribe.

What did I learn from this experience?

You cannot buy or earn good health. I mean obviously privilege helps (which I have heaps of) but even privilege won’t save you from the evil bugs your little disease vectors bring home from daycare.

I am humbled by those who live with chronic conditions. You are stars. I was sick for 6 days and I went to a dark mental place that quite frankly scared me. I am a snowflake.

That’s all.

I’ll be back with more coherent thoughts next week. Perhaps something along the lines of untying your self worth from productivity.

Seems I struggle with that rather severely.

Reading 

Nothing. Couldn’t even hold my phone.

Watching 

Everything but I can hardly remember any of it. I re-watched several seasons of Girls then I realised how utterly depressing it is and cut myself off. Parker Posey’s Party Girl was cool. A fashion icon cult classic kinda thing. I definitely want to try a felafel with hot sauce, a side order of Baba Ganoush and a seltzer after watching this. Working 9 to 5 was cool and weird. I want to start a Lily Tomlin appreciation club. I rate her so highly. The new season of True Detective with Jodie Freaking Foster is exactly as you imagine. Amazing.

Wearing 

Just nighties from Gaudy & Prim - they have a new range here I’m keen to try but I have several of their old style ones. I was so bloated I had to take my yoga pants AND undies off most of the time. Can you imagine being too bloated for UNDIES? And when I say undies I mean the giant black cotton knickers I’ve been wearing since my first pregnancy that are butter soft, too big and full of holes.

Listening

Jon Ronson's first season of Things Fell Apart because I realised I didn’t listen to the first season. It’s just as great as the first.  

Eating 

Peckish Thins and lemonade ice blocks. Delivered by my beautiful friend with a truckload of Buscopan and De-gas. Love you Olly!

Doing 

Absolutely nothing but goblin under a blanket.

Very Excellent Links

I’ve spent the better part of this year going ‘pfffft… I’m NOT going to wear ballet flats. Hard pass thanks’ and then I saw these Aloha’s and all I want to do is wear them with black wool slightly cropped pants and a chunky knit. They’re somehow French and Japanese and German all at once.

I enjoyed this Captain Obvious post - the less debt you have the happier you’ll be.

A few tips for when you’re thinking too much to go to sleep. It’s me. I’m the problem.

When everyone started trauma dumping on Elmo on Threads.

32 recipes for sandwich inspiration.

Oh also I meant to tell you if you click through to Substack and tap the heart at the bottom of my newsletter it shows Substack that people like it, and shows it to more people. Thank you for double tapping!

I’ll be back with better stuff soon, I promise.

How was your week?

Carly

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