Are you Silky, Crunchy or Scrunchy?
and does it even matter?
There’s a recording at the top of this post for anyone who wants to listen!
‘Oh, you’re a baby wearer!!!! 😍’
This was a DM I received when my eldest kid was 6 months old and I posted an Instagram picture of her in our baby carrier.
Confused, I sent back a thumbs-up emoji like ‘Yep. Sure am wearing this baby!’
The term ‘baby-wearer’ stuck with me and I ended up Googling it out of curiosity.
It turns out baby-wearing is closely associated with extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and what Instagram calls being a ‘crunchy’ mum. A note on the term ‘extended breastfeeding’ - I saw a reel from a woman who said extended breastfeeding is just breastfeeding and she’s correct, I couldn't find an alternative phrase to convey breastfeeding a child for several years so my apologies if that term doesn’t translate well.
I signalled to the outside world I was a crunchy mum by wearing my babies. I also breastfed both of them which is also crunchy (apparently). But it was really hard, I wouldn’t say I liked it much and did it for under a year with both of them which isn’t very crunchy. I don’t co-sleep with my children. Not crunchy. I avoid packaged snacks. Crunchy. But I also have heaps of packaged snacks. Not crunchy. Loud, screaming plastic toys make me very stressed out so by default we have lots of art supplies. Crunchy. I’m pro-vax. Very, very not crunchy. I use both cloth and disposable nappies. Maybe those cancel each other out? We never go to MacDonald’s but it’s not a flex, we don’t have one in our town. My kids eat tomatoes fresh off the vine in our backyard in summer and then have several icey pole chasers.
Instagram got wind of my interest in crunchy mums and started serving me ‘scrunchy’ mum content.
Plucky little TikTok reels say scrunchy mums shop at the organic grocer but swing by Macca’s on the way home. They vaccinate their kids but use essential oils as well. Their children's bedrooms are full of wooden educational toys but they spend half the day on devices.
Then I came across the term ‘silky’ mum. From what I gather a silky mum has a hospital birth (not a good differentiator because everyone I know had hospital births even the crunchiest of my mum friends), formula feeds, buys convenience foods and relies heavily on screen time.
So the options are Crunchy, Scrunchy or Silky. Right.
Here’s the thing. Formula feeding isn’t the opposite of breastfeeding. Unlimited screen time isn’t the opposite of screen-free. Using a stroller isn’t the opposite of baby wearing and sleep training isn’t the opposite of co-sleeping.
Parenting is a spectrum.
Do pure crunchy and silky mums even exist? Or did we invent them so we can feel self-righteous about our parenting choices?
If you ask me why I wore my babies, why I persisted with breastfeeding even though it was awful I couldn’t really tell you why. It just happened.
They were a series of choices made, usually in times of desperation and they stuck. Most parenting decisions I’ve made have been based on a combination of whatever I could manage and what was available at the time.
I’m not a baby wearer. I just wore my babies because it was easier than lugging the stroller in and out of the car and navigating public spaces that aren’t built for wheels. High-functioning anxiety is my ever-present friend and I experienced some wild intrusive thoughts in both my newborn baby phases so I felt safer with my babies tucked in to my chest. On the flip side, I’m not a co-sleeper because I sleep like the dead and I was too paranoid I’d roll over on top of my kids. I wasn’t confident I could create a safe sleeping space that included me in it. Neither of those choices were conscious they just happened. We also can’t ignore the underlying code; crunchy traits are virtuous and silky ones are not. Admitting I don’t co-sleep feels vulnerable but sharing my successful yet flawed breastfeeding experience feels victorious. When we fail to be pure crunchy mums our concessions make us scrunchy. It’s cute. Zero screen time but we have chicken nuggets for dinner. #relatable
I try not to write about parenting because it’s boring. I don’t think it’s all that interesting whether or not people have kids. All this crunchy, scrunchy, silky mum bullshit seems to evaporate when kids develop their autonomy anyway. Who cares if your mum makes organic grain bowls or microwave lasagna for dinner? From what I’ve heard (and seen) all teenagers spend their pocket money on Doritos, energy drinks and apple pie flavoured vape pods so what does it matter?
The men don’t care about any of this. There’s no such thing as a Scrunchy dad. They’re just dads being endlessly celebrated for the most basic level of parenting. My partner is a great dad but he’s not a better parent than me and he certainly doesn’t spend hours writing thought pieces about common parenting tropes because he doesn’t give a shit what other people think and also in general, people expect a lot less from him. It’s a peaceful combination. I yearn for that freedom.
I’m not smug about any of my parenting decisions nor should I be.
We’re all just out there doing the best we can while constantly feeling like we’re fucking it up.
The good news? If you worry about the way you parent, you’re a good parent. If you research solutions, ask your friends for advice and try out different tactics, you’re a good parent. If you worry you’re not giving enough time and thought to raising your kids, you’re a good parent. If you care, you’re a good parent. If you’ve chosen peace instead fighting your kid on something that isn’t working, you’re a good parent. There’s no rule book, the algorithm is lying. There’s no such thing as crunchy, scrunchy and silky.
There’s just you, and that’s exactly what your kid(s) need.
Try not to let the noise get to you.
Reading
A recent houseguest bought this for us and it’s splendid. I make so many of Nagi’s recipes, it’s lovely to have the best ones all in one spot.
Watching
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders - America's Sweethearts. I ploughed through this in one weekend. It's similar to Cheer, but I reckon it's better. I loved learning about the legacy of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, how elite the team is and how it's not a full-time job. The head cheerleader of last year worked full-time as a nurse around her game commitments. I'm appalled at how little they make in comparison to the revenue they bring in but that's a matter for the team owner. I'm Australian so we don't have much of a cheer culture here and the one we do have is much more chill so it was fascinating delving into this wild world of try-outs.
Wearing
Jeans. Yes you read that correctly. I've never really been a jeans wearer because I came of age in the unfortunate low-rise 90s and with the torso of a Dachshund it wasn't a pretty picture. For the first time in my adult life waists are finally high enough for me. A savvy lass at the Albury Just Jeans recommended these in black. I grabbed them, wore them non-stop for 2 weeks and then ordered them online in dark denim. Size down, they stretch like billy-o. I'm in a 14. Hot tip for long torso gals - ‘sky high’ is an excellent search term for pants.
Listening
This episode of The Daily about early retirement. I think early retirement sounds good in theory but in practice it's tricky to get it right.
Eating
Recipe Tin Eats Singapore Noodles. I cut the curry powder right down and added extra oyster sauce and the kids ate it. Miracle of miracles.
Doing
Cleaning cupboards. Wildly boring but at least my pantry looks swish.
What’s new
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but I am deep in my Angelica Huston phase (think 70s Holister) and these pants fit the bill perfectly. I’d wear them with a lavender cropped cardi but 10/10 those mossy clogs are the perfect shoe paring.
33 cookbooks everyone should own. I love cookbooks because recipe blogs drive me up the wall with all their waffling/ads/half telling you the recipe and burying the actual recipe at the end.
Love this modern tennis necklace alternative from Bonheur. Def an investment piece but I also want to get three and wear them stacked. A girl can dream right?
Adore Andrew Scott (who doesn’t ? Hot priest if you’re wondering) but Ripley did not grab me at all.
I haven’t bought Le Specs for years and went to have a lil’ poke around on their website and found these. Love.
Considering buying a proper lux sweatshirt for winter. I love this Pangaia one. Have recently decided I loathe hoodies. They choke me. Hood free sweatshirts for president.
I’m loving natural rubber sole sneakers ATM. These ones from Camper are on sale.
20 high-protein recipes you can meal prep. Of all the eating advice out there, making sure you get enough protein is not the worst.
That’s it for this week! Nothing else to report.
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See you next week!
Carly
Interesting you felt vulnerable sharing that you didn’t co-sleep, whereas in my circles I felt judged FOR doing it!
Something that helped me was trying to just use language where I described what I was doing rather than using those generalised terms. So I started saying my baby sleeps in with us at night rather than co-sleeping, or I give my baby formula sometimes rather than mixed feeding. Helped to untangle some of the guilt or feelings of judgement. Also getting off social media helped a tonne too
I realised last winter that hoodies were choking me too! I had a pink one I still really liked so I just cut the hood off with some scissors & now it's an "at-home jumper". I love it! I've also come to realise that in winter I only want to wear sneakers. I gave my Doc boots to my 10-year-old daughter (life made!), and sold my Doc Mary Janes on Depop & I am thinking of doing the same with my worn-once Doc clogs. I live in my new balance & converse. I feel that at 45 I am in my comfort era when it comes to anything I put on my body.